It must be said that the 34 -year -old young woman’s journey is not a long, quiet river. “”Tomorrow, it will be eight months that I gave birth to my second, and I am right in it “, She launches speaking of postpartum depression in which she has been immersed for two months. This depression experienced by certain women after childbirth, Hélène knows well. For having already experienced it following the birth of Elise, l‘elder, aged 3 years now.
“The disease was everywhere, on the ovaries, the bladder, the rectum, the intestines … The doctor announces that it will be a big operation”
When she tells herself, Hélène hesitates. “”I have lived with my husband since 2013 and I have been married since … 3 years. Yes, that’s it. It’s typical of postpartum ; Remember the dates, it’s complicated. Even that of my marriage“. As for the birth dates of her two little girls, Elise and Enola, it’s simpler:”The 7th of 7 for the firstshe tells us by going up the round of her sweatshirt to exhibit on the forearm the tattoo of the date of birth and the profile of the elder. And December 7, 2024 for the little one“.
Sclerosis wakes up, sleeps
Now “in transition to find a job“, Hélène has a primary teacher training, carried out as she learned at the age of 21 that she has multiple sclerosis.”The neurologist arrived in the room and told me ‘We will have to sit down ‘. She announced the diagnosis to me. I knew what to expect. The first year of sclerosis, during my second year of Instit ‘studies, I made 5 crises“. The following years,”I want to say that it is a classic journey in terms of this disease. She wakes up, she goes back to sleep, she wakes up, she goes back to sleep … Unfortunately it is sneaky and it cannot be seen. There, I am in front of you, I have a pain in the legs. I learned to ‘live with’. As my psychologist would say, I have the mask of the smile. After that, I think the grimace is more beautiful when you smile than when you pull your head“. And when sclerosis wakes up,”Symptoms are random. For the moment they are big pain in the legs, like during my first pregnancy. For the second, they were the arms. Otherwise, my indicator is my view that drops “.
“I refused the disease until a time when, given its evolution, I had no choice but to face”
Despite the disease, the couple decides to consider pregnancy. This, after careful thinking. “”I met Christophe a few months after receiving my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. It was not easy for him. You have to be honest: an announcement of illness like that, there is a mourning work that must be done. The start of our couple was therefore complicated. We had decided not to have children“But after a couple therapy, they feel ready.”And there, additional slap: polycystic ovary syndrome. After failures and poor follow -up, we go to in vitro fertilization. The day I take the test to see if the tubes are blocked, I am pregnant. We will not discover it until the following month. If it was not that I was sick from the start to the end of my pregnancy, everything went overall well. The follow -up was classic“.
Totally cut off from my emotions
Elise was born on July 7, 2022: 3.352 kg, 50 cm. Happy mom? “”Non, Responds Hélène brutally. At the same time : zero emotion. I remember that I came to run in this wood a few hours before giving birth. I also had terrible contractions in my thighs. Something crazy. Things were complicated. The baby had the cord around the neck. My gynecologist asked for help. I heard ‘suction cups’. I said no, she’s going to have a distorted head. Then I heard ‘forceps’. Afterwards, it’s the total blackout“.
Some waves memories will come back later. “”With hindsight, I remember that we put Elise on me and I immediately said to the midwife: ‘She doesn’t cry ‘. It was panic on board, she was not crying, she had not taken her oxygen puff immediately, so she did not breathe“.
“I lost my face. I have no more eyes, no more look”
In reality, the infant was fine. And the mother? “”I want to say that we are on our cloud, because it is a first baby. Clearly, we are not prepared for that. I was totally cut off from my emotions. When we got home, I explained to my husband crying that I sincerely loved Elise, but that I no longer felt anything. I knew that I liked my daughter in the depths of my heart, but I felt absolutely nothing. Neither for her, nor for him (his father). For no one. I was totally lost. Fortunately, I have the ability to realize when it’s not going well. So I called on a psychologist. I made a follow -up that served … without serving. I had my head pressed. Either we are well surrounded, or we are badly surrounded. I am half surrounded“.
We don’t know in what hell we sink
To people who say that postpartum depression does not exist, “I would say that as long as we have not known and experienced it, whether it is a depression, a burn-out, or something like, we don’t know what it is. And we do not know in what hell we are sinking. Postpartum depression remains a taboo subject. But you should know that, behind the most beautiful smile in the world, we are destroyed from the inside. We feel alone, abandoned, misunderstood, we are faced with something that we do not master, and we wonder if we are not crazy. It’s the unknown, and at the same time, we tell ourselves that we have to go there“. Hélène takes care of the baby, nothing more:”I still don’t feel anything for my child“. To compensate for her discomfort, she eats more than it should be:”The food is my escape. I still have 24 kg to lose from my two pregnancies“.
For having already crossed depressed episodes, Hélène had however anticipated. “”To tell you, I had prepared 13 meals in my freezer in case …“. It must be recognized that there was also a whole conducive context: a house under construction, the lack of help from those around them, a sleep deficit …
Little by little, Hélène rebuilds. “”As therapies progressed, I did a lot of activities with my daughter ; We went to the swimming pool with her, at the psychomot… I tried through other things to create a link with Elise“. If today the relationship with her little daughter seems to be restored,”I think she may have felt rejected when she was bornrecognizes the mother. I will explain to her when she is bigger and I will apologize 50,000 times. But I ended up in front of myself, going down in the shallows of my soul to go to search I don’t know what“. He does not prevent, clearly, the young mother still blames herself today not to have felt from the first day and for a long time the slightest emotion for her first baby.”Yes, I blame myself. She also has a very strong link with her dad. It is complicated to manage, because she claims it a lot, especially since he works on offbeat schedule. It happens that she only sees him a few hours in the morning“.
A second dive into depression
And here is the second “as a gift“. But not without problem.”The multiple sclerosis has woken up very strongly during this second pregnancyrecalls Hélène. To the point of having wanted to give up everything … At the birth of Enola, I curiously had the complete flashback of my first delivery. All images have returned“. Ensuite, “I said to myself ‘Cool ‘It’s better. I will manage ‘“. And then no, now Hélène dresses in postpartum depression. Two months now that she endures.”I have a temperament to descend, to depression. When we know where she is, we’re going to get her“.
And this time, behind “the mask of the smile”, the young mother tells us to be far away. “”I have dark ideas. I admit that this time, the ideas are not beautiful, not at all nice. This time, I asked for help from my neurologist who prescribed antidepressants. I haven’t taken them yet, because it stresses me, but I’m probably going to do it. I’m afraid to collapse. Fear of being a burden later for my daughters because of my multiple sclerosis. And that, I think it will stay until the moment when I’m going to die out. All this is part of my package. At one point, we have a choice. Either we collapse, clearly. Either we kick the ass and we cry from time to time. I sail a little in troubled waters. There are ups and downs. Days when, frankly, it’s nickel and others when I cry. In two years, I think I will have gone up the slope. I tell myself that I got it well with the first, why I wouldn’t get there with the second?“She thinks today.
In the meantime, Hélène recharges herself in the woods of the Center for Désitémage in Marcinelle, she reads. From her bag, she takes out the work in the course of reading: “The unexpected power of injuries and blockages”. And then, to keep her head out of the water, she has her little things. Like this app on his smartphone which sends him positive messages. Today : “You are a warrior !“.
Through “words for ills”, the free has chosen to give voice to people affected by various diseases, both physical and mental, common or rare. Meetings which are intended to understand their daily life, their difficulties and hopes, to share their eyes on existence. A way also to recall that no one is immune to these accidents of life. This series is to be found every other Monday on our site.